


Anonymous

by lapinchatain



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aromantic, Assassin's Creed: Syndicate, F/M, Fryecest - Freeform, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Incest, basically two siblings sleeping together, no drama or romance or whatsoever, warning: learner level English with first three chapters beta'd only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-10-16 18:43:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10577250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapinchatain/pseuds/lapinchatain
Summary: She was right. They knew it, deep down, that this was the only life they had had, and that’s the only life they would ever have, for better or for worse. But what else could they do? A faint hope was lit up like a little candle at the bottom of his heart, but somehow Jacob felt a vague sadness permeating the air. At least that’s the sadness and loneliness that they could share, and they still had each other’s backs even if they were all alone in this big and lonely world.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [无名之人](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/282672) by lapinchatain. 



> All my thanks to the marvellous PoetHrotsvitha who corrected my English in the first four chapters!  
> FYI, smut is in chapter 5, you're welcome!

Jacob still vaguely remembers the summer holidays in the south of France with his father and sister when he was eleven or twelve years old. There were too many people on the beach and the sunlight was dazzling, burning the sand, crude scent of sea water in the air while seagulls scuttled around. The crowd of children assembled around the ice cream car suddenly dissolved into tiny and lonely figures.

When they were younger, Father had bought them an inflatable crocodile. The two kids sat happily in the crocodile, floating on the sea. A few years later, they thought it was too childish, and never brought it with them again to holidays. But they also didn’t throw it away. It just sat alone in the attic.

At sunset, Jacob and Evie were drinking milkshakes in a lounge just alongside the beach. People were having barbecues, some waiters walking by holding iced barrel of wine with small fireworks in their hands. At midnight, someone far away let fireworks off to the sky. Father was probably back at the holiday house; Jacob doesn’t remember where he was. But he does remember that Evie was in a sulk and hadn’t spoken to him for the whole day because he had poured some sand into her carefully braided hair on purpose that morning. Evie still looked like a little girl then, and there wasn’t anything significant under her orange bikini, but she acted as if she was one of the girls in senior year. That's exactly why he did anything to irritate and make fun of her.

That day, it wasn’t until late at night that Evie seemed to forgive him. They ran to the beach for some ice cream and walked along the sea slowly together, without really talking. They didn’t get back to the house until around two or three clock in the morning, and it seemed Father was already sleeping. They found a bottle of apple juice that they hadn't finished in a corner of the kitchen and sat on the sofa of the living room talking for a while. They were sitting close to each other. Evie was wearing a plain light blue cotton blouse, hair wet, and he didn't know if there was still some sand in her braids. At some point, he felt his hand touch hers. She turned around and looked at him, with a certain form of contempt in her eyes, as if she thought he was still a child. He suddenly tightened his fingers on her hand without a second thought, with absolutely no idea of what he was doing or what he wanted to do. She yanked her hand away, running up the stairs until she disappeared.

Jacob went back to his room and fell asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow. In his dream, there was a girl of his age, sand in her hair, riding on a black swan floating on the sea. The swan’s neck was moving restlessly between her legs. It was already morning when he suddenly woke up, sheet wet underneath him.

He didn’t pour sand into Evie’s hair again.  


***

Jacob always remembered his sister as somehow being gloomy when they were adolescents. The summer before year 11, the Frye family went to the coast near the French and Spanish border. Evie already looked like a young woman by that time, and according to the photos of their mother that Father had kept, there was a tremendous resemblance between mother and daughter. Father had barely ever talked about Mother, only mentioned once that she was a lively and animated woman. Quite contrary to his sister, Jacob thought. She had more of their father’s side. They’re biologically twins, but they barely resemble each other. Walking on the street, few people would say they were related.

Jacob was occupied with many aquatic activities that summer, while Evie was staying quietly with Father on the beach, reading under the shadow of parasol. She didn’t have a favorite author yet, so anything of classic literature would take her fancy.

Jacob knew she had already started drinking by that time, and her favorites were ciders and creamy white Russians. Father left early that night, just telling them to be careful and not to stay up too late. They were sitting on the terrace of an open air bar alongside the beach, conversation meandering. Evie held her White Russian, laughing at what he said. At midnight, someone was setting fireworks in the distance. The noises of the partying crowd on the beach sounded like roaring tides, and occasionally there was someone growling or singing, voices lost in the blowing wind. The twins held their beer in plastic cups, walking along the sea, far away from the crowd and against the wind, and fell into silence. Like a few years ago, Evie was still wearing that plain light blue cotton blouse, but her breasts weren’t the same anymore. She was beautiful with her hair loosen, more precious because there were few moments where she’d let her guard down, even with her own brother. The open space of sea and sky was broad and dim, only some blurring moonlight falling gently on their shoulders. When they started to talk again, something strange happened and nothing was ever the same. While Jacob was trying hard to think of something to say, Evie abruptly threw away her cup, grabbed his shoulder, and kissed him.

Jacob’s mind went totally blank. He reached out his hand instinctively, trying to hold onto something, and only found her back. She wasn’t much shorter than him, the curves of her soft body reminded him of a mountain’s silhouette in the sky. He could feel that her kiss was slightly shaking, with the salty scent of sea water and bitter taste of beer, and her warm tongue was like a sneaking rabbit, digging deep down into the earth.

Jacob pushed her away, staring at her in panic.

“What the hell?”

Evie shrugged her shoulder with a cold air.

“What do you think?”

She leaned in again.

This time Jacob knew she meant it for real. He knew her, and knew that she was capable of doing anything to get what she wanted, for better or worse. He had been with other girls before, but it felt different with his own sister.  
He always thought that Evie felt the same.

During that summer, when Father wasn’t around, they made love like crazy in the holiday house. Jacob liked how she was when he took her from behind. Sometimes she would grab his arm, twisting her head and licking his fingers, the look in her eyes driving him insane. Evie’s desire was astonishing, though she was only fifteen years old. Her body was already that of a mature woman, with plump and rotund breast and hips, slim waist and powerful legs. While straddling on Jacob she would sometimes even slap his face or cover his eyes.

“Why?”

Once Jacob pushed her hands away and asked, wheezing.

“No reason.”

There was once when they were making love in the living room and they suddenly heard the footsteps of their father in the garden. When Father opened the door, the two were already sitting quietly on the sofa, watching television and drinking juice with their clothes on. Father never said anything.

In fact, the twins had never discussed seriously their relationship. Evie had never had boyfriend. Jacob was with other girls from time to time, but it never lasted.

“Sometimes I still can’t be honest with others.” Jacob once said to his sister.

“Then don’t be.”

It's strange, Jacob thought, it didn’t sound like Evie. But then, of course, they didn’t seem like siblings either.


	2. Chapter 2

Jacob never thought of himself as someone fond of reminiscing, but sometimes when the insomnia kicked in, he would find himself staring at the ceiling and fragments of his lost childhood inevitably swam up in his mind. The silent path around the hills in the countryside of his hometown, covered by the thick autumn air and falling leaves, his hands in his sister’s, two kids walking side by side. Father was somewhere ahead of them, smiling, waiting for them to catch up. Sometimes Jacob went missing in the forest and Father and Evie would call his name, voices echoing in the silent air. Evie had always been a cute and smart little girl, while he was somehow slower— she used to say that he was like the dirty silly sheep that stayed alone out in the rain. In truth, he liked the farm animals. He could spend a lot of time alone staring at a few cows, a group of hens and a little goat in their neighbour’s farm. There was a giant human skeleton model in Father’s study that scared Jacob from going to the toilet alone at night. Evie didn’t like being woken up, but every time she would rub her eyes, slip out of her bed and walk him through the long, silent and dark hallway, holding his hand tightly.

They were closer when they were still children. Evie said she liked Jacob’s eyelashes, that they were so long, soft and glossy, just like a girl’s. While staring at them, she would suddenly lean forward and press a kiss to his eyelids. Sometimes they would watch television together in the living room under warm and thick covers, Evie holding him in her arms and his toy bear in his. George was a friend of Father’s who always brought little gifts for the two kids every time he came by. The only person Jacob didn’t like was Father. Father wasn’t rude, but very strict and serious. Anything that Jacob did wrong would lead to his stern criticism. Sometimes with his head down in front of Father, he would secretly squint at his sister behind Father, her eyes staring him down, her head slightly tilted.

Maybe that’s how she learned to scold him like Father always did. He knew he wasn’t an easy kid either, maybe that was his way of gaining Father’s attention that was nearly always focused on his sister. When he was eight years old, he fell from a tree in the neighbour’s yard while stealing their apples, breaking an arm. After puberty began, things went nearly out of control. He was thirteen when he smoked his first cigarette, going home a few hours later that day, acting as if nothing had happened. Evie went by, giving him a weird look.

“I could smell that right from the street.”

Jacob was annoyed and embarrassed at the same time. How could she possibly know? It had been hours.

During those years, little by little, the twins became distant. Children of that age tended to exaggerate the differences between them to emphasize their own identities. Evie became one of the boring nerds at school, with a pride he could never understand or simply refused to admit. She was a brilliant student, but also a pretty girl who refused to conceal her freckles even during the most sensitive teenaged years. Jacob became one of the self-indulgent slackers that she didn’t care for and preferred not to speak to. It was as if suddenly she lost all interest in him. She wanted to become a doctor just like Father; she always went to his hospital after school, reading a book alone in his office or in the hallway.

Of course, it wasn’t like Jacob ever cared. His favourite activities were late-night parties at a friend’s home or car, with music blaring, burning cigarettes and the tang of alcohol in the air. He liked all the girls his friends brought along. In summer, they would drive to the countryside, lighting a bonfire and stumbling drunk around it, singing and yelling, until they fell to the ground on their backs and felt the drugs explode in their heads like fireworks. Sometimes after a crazy weekend, he would wake up somewhere in London, empty bottles and cigarette butts everywhere on the floor and a girl he didn’t know asleep by his side. Sometimes Father caught him coming back home after these evenings and was furiously lecturing him in the living room when Evie happened to come home, slamming the door shut behind her and going straight up the stairs without even looking at him, as if he was invisible.

On a Thursday evening after skipping school, as Jacob was hesitating in the garden- worried about running into Father, as always- Evie walked up to the house. She saw him and waved him over.

“Do you want to come in by my window?”

She entered the house without waiting for his answer. A few minutes later, the window of her room opened. Jacob hesitated a bit more, but finally climbed the small hill right behind the house and scrambled into her room.

Jacob rarely went intohis sister’s room. Evie was about fourteen years old then, but unlike other girls of her age, she didn’t stick posters of celebrities all over the wall. Instead, her room was simple and tidy. She opened her laptop, put her backpack on the desk and sat on the chair, looking calm and unruffled.

“Don’t ask me where I’ve been.”

“Not interested. Do you have homework?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.”

“I’m serious.”

“Me too.”

Evie let out a sigh. Jacob looked at her, surprised.

“Jacob, please.”

She was looking straight into his eyes, nearly pleading.

“Ok, I have some for Monday.” Jacob finally said, unwilling.

“Get your chair and sit down here, I’ll do my homework with you. If you don’t understand anything, just ask me.” She managed to make it not sound like an order, even though it definitely was.

Jacob could only obey. They sat quietly side by side in front of Evie’s desk, calculating, reading, writing and thinking. They were so close to each other that Jacob could smell her scent. It wasn’t fragrance or cream, but just Evie; light, mild and delicate, not aggressive at all. He had never smelt anything else like it.

He was never a slow learner. Some teachers even said that his intelligence was remarkable, if only it was put to good use. What Evie explained to him always sank in without him going through the books twice, as long as he went to the class and paid attention to it in the first place. She liked to look straight into his eyes while she was explaining the exercises to him, he noticed. Her eyes were blue, different from his, maybe from their mother. Her nose and little freckles were lovely under the lamp light. It had been a long time since he last saw her smiling, he thought, vaguely remembering her canine teeth and narrowed shining eyes when she did so. Maybe he had seen a girl somewhere before that looked like her, but he couldn’t tell if it was just a dream.

“Are you listening?” Evie paused.

“No.”

She gazed at him, then lowered her head again.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t know why you even bother.” That was true. He was curious.

“Because I care.” Evie didn’t raise her head.

“Boring as usual.” He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to say it out loud. Luckily, she acted as if she didn’t hear anything.

“Are you going to school by bus with me tomorrow?”

“As if I had a choice.”

“Don’t be late.”

“Cut the crap.” Jacob shoved his books back into his bag and stood up, then looked at Evie with his chin up, as if it was his own dignity that he was defending. She smiled, “Now get out of here,” then pressed a kiss onto his forehead. His heart skipped a beat, as he dodged backwards, making a disgusted face.

“Gross.”

“I hate you too.”

Her door closed behind him. Somehow, he felt relieved.

***

When the twins were in year 10, Father suddenly decided to be harsher with Jacob, prohibiting him from going out on weekends. Evie heard them shouting and yelling at each other in the living room, and their fight ended up with Jacob storming up the stairs and slamming his door as usual. There was a long and suffocating silence downstairs afterwards, as if Father was expecting something that would never happen.

If only Mother was there. Sometimes Evie would ponder over this idea while brushing her hair in front of her dresser. She liked her dark chestnut hair, but felt strange when she saw herself with her hair down. She saw some photos of Mother once – Father barely ever talked about her – and was astonished at their resemblance. How was she as a person? Was she in love with Father? Would they hold each other’s hands in the street? Would they kiss each other in front of their children? What would be her favourite ice cream flavour? Would she rather go to Iceland or Kenya for holidays? Would she kiss the forehead of her brother like Evie did?

She knew that Jacob and Father didn’t have a smooth relationship. She had however chosen her position, a natural one because she resembled Father in temperament and intellectual interests. She couldn’t understand Jacob’s motivations, but simply believed that to sort out the problem, a different approach would be required. She considered her brother as a “problem”. There could be two ways in going about solving it; the harsh and stern method, or the indirect but gentle one. It had become a silent game between father and daughter.

Jacob was more than annoyed and bored by all of it.

Evie was nearly startled to death the first time she was woken up by Jacob near midnight in her own room. He chuckled in the dark while she felt a rush of anger.

“You should look at your face.”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“It’s not my fault that your window is that close to the hill behind the house. If I took the stairs, Father would hear me in an instant.”

“Where are you going?”

She couldn’t see his face in the dark.

“Not your business.”

“I won’t let you out without you telling me.”

“Fine,” Jacob’s tone became impatient. “There’s a party at Freddy’s.”

“How will you get back?”

“They’ll drive me home. I’ll knock your window then.”

“In your dreams.”

“Evie~~~~"

It had been a long time since he last used that wheedling tone. Maybe not since they were still kids and he was begging for more sweets from her.

Evie sighed. “No drugs, and never ever let anyone drunk drive you back.”

“Promise.”

Evie slipped out of her bed, groped for the window and opened it. The cold fresh air of the night rushed in, her naked legs trembling.

“Thanks!”

He was already gone.

Evie closed her window and went back to bed, pulling the covers on tight. She didn’t approve Father’s discipline, but felt a bit of regret over what she had done. Would Jacob be grateful to her for it? Or he was just using her?

She drifted off.

Later that night, she was woken up by a knock on her window. She looked at her phone; it was already five o’clock in the morning. She could see the shadow of Jacob outside of her window.

She jumped off the bed and opened the window. Jacob nearly fell to the ground, the harsh smell of alcohol rushing into her nose.

“Shhh!”

Evie lifted him up hurriedly, worried that Father might hear something. He would be up within less than an hour. Jacob straightened his body, snickering, somehow still sober enough to function.

“Get back to your room.”

“Father would hear me.”

“Stop the nonsense and get out of here.”

“Seriously, I’m tired, just leave me alone.” He fell into Evie’s bed, back towards her and stopped moving. Evie didn’t know whether he had fallen into sleep.

Evie stood there and hesitated for a few minutes. It wasn’t a good idea to throw him back on the floor, she thought, but she still needed some more sleep. Finally, she crawled slowly into her bed and carefully tucked him in. She could still smell the alcohol and fragrance on his jacket, as they reminded her of the partying crowd and roaring music. He could be the centre of attention out there, but he would always come home late and tired just like when they were children, curling up in her bed and breathing quietly like a baby.

“Jacob?”

There was no reply.

Evie placed her head alongside him, trying to distinguish his figure in the dark with the weak light from the window. He turned around, facing Evie, eyes closed. She couldn’t see his face clearly, only getting the vague impression that he was far away. She missed him- in some ways, she wished they could be closer, like they used to be. It wasn’t that she didn’t love him, but she just couldn’t act in a way that would show her vulnerability. She had to stay a figure with a certain degree of authority, just like Father, or the mother that they had never met. She felt an urge to touch him, as the affection surged up and gripped her tightly.

Suddenly Jacob started chuckling.

“You scared me.”

“You’d better not tell Father about this.”

“Is that a threat?”

“You’ve got no choice, we’ve made our bed and now we have to lie in it.”

The pun didn’t seem funny to Evie, but her heart sped up.

“How did it go?”

“Same as usual. Freddy puked up. I saw him making out with a year 9 girl upstairs earlier.”

“And you?”

“Why do you care?”

“I was already kind enough to let you out.”

“Oh- ” Jacob drawled, voice meaningful, “jealous?”

“Fuck you.”

“Anytime you want, babe.”

It suddenly occurred to Evie that it had been a long time since they were so close together physically. The starlight had faded down at five o’clock, while the sunlight hadn’t appeared yet. They were surrounded by a nearly absolute silence and darkness, warm bodies tightly wedged against each other. She could feel his breath. It still carried the smell of alcohol, but it was his.

“How did you know I’d let you out?”

Jacob didn’t immediately reply.

“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about and it doesn’t make sense at all.”

“I’m getting the feeling that you don’t like me. You just- you know, turn your head away every time you see me.”

“Because you never behave yourself.”

“So why did you let me out?”

Evie felt tongue-tied. Jacob snickered.

“Stop.” She felt her face burning. “It was just because now you’re doing your homework with me and didn’t screw up the last exam.”

“If only Father could understand.”

“He does it because you can still do better.”

“Better?” A note of suspicion crept into Jacob’s voice. “Does he mean more like you?”

Evie was stunned for a moment.

“How would I know that.”

“You two are so boring.”

Evie didn’t know how to reply. It wasn’t that he was totally unaware of the estrangement within the household.

“Never mind. I don’t care, as long as you let me out.”

“Just stay away from my bed.”

“So stubborn.”

Jacob reached his hand out and held her waist abruptly. Evie trembled instinctively and felt his lips approaching. His breath was hot on her face, with a harsh smell of alcohol. Evie pushed him away before his lips reached hers.

“You’re drunk.” She strove to keep her voice calm.

During the whole second term of year 10, Jacob went out to party on weekends and slept in Evie’s bed until noon. Later that year, on that beach filled with singing and guitar music, Evie kissed him for the first time under the stars of a summer night.


	3. Chapter 3

A streetlamp stood just by the window of Evie’s room in the university’s student accommodation, pouring tender flickering light onto her floor at night. Sometimes she would turn off the lamp in her room and watch in silence as the rain fell ceaselessly from the dark sky. Late at night, there were some voices and laughter that she could recognize from people trickling back from pubs and bars.

She once started seeing a boy in her faculty, but ended the relationship pretty soon afterwards. Luckily, at least she had learned some music from him: Bach radiated serenity, Vivaldi was an unconcerned joy, Berlioz a secluded path that disappeared into the darkness and Liszt an eagle soaring into the air and limpid water running through a valley. She would sometimes walk to another side of the city with headphones on, sit alone on the hills and watch the trees and clouds.

Jacob wasn’t much around since they started at the university, but she could always see new photos of him partying with frenetic new students on social media. They were in the same class as they shared the same family name. Quite often in the morning, she would see Jacob slipping into the classroom through the backdoor with a hangover face, disappearing again a few minutes before the class ended. Every October was the climax for first year undergrads’ events, and Evie barely saw him for the whole month. A few days before their birthday in November, they went to cinema together for a movie, but after the movie ended, Jacob took a look at his phone and left in a hurry.

“Got to go, talk later!”

Evie waved to him as he disappeared from her horizon. After middle school, as they saw each other less than before, she couldn’t resist showing her affection towards him as long as he was around, but preferred not to keep him always by her side. It was just as well the studies had occupied most of her attention and she didn’t have too much left for him. Jacob seemed to have metamorphosed again from an immature schoolboy into an attractive young man, and Evie was sure he had his fun with his equally curious and flirtatious acquaintances. He was like a flower blossoming, she thought. She couldn’t imagine how hard he would laugh if he ever knew about this idea.

She didn’t realize anything wrong with him until they went back home together for the Christmas holidays. The moment when she saw Father, she understood immediately how proud he was of both of them. He seemed older, holding her in his arms for much longer, and had lost that stern and demanding attitude towards Jacob too. The Frye family didn’t have many relatives left, and usually spent the Christmas Eve with George. Listening to Father and George catch up over a drink in front of the warm fireplace, Evie would occasionally add some news of her college life. Jacob went back to his room upstairs alone quite early without her knowing exactly what he’d been doing.

By the time she stepped upstairs, it was almost one o’clock in the morning. The light was still lit in Jacob’s room, as she hesitated in front of his door and knocked gently. 

“May I come in?”

“No, I haven’t come yet.”

Evie rolled her eyes, opened the door and walked in, shutting the door behind her. Jacob was sitting in front of his window with earphones on and a bottle of beer in his hand. Evie sat by his side and took the earphone that he passed to her. It was Don’t Think Twice by Bob Dylan.

Evie raised her eyebrows. “This have some special meaning?”

“Trying to dig into my love stories?”

“Not even interested.”

Evie started again after a silence.

“Are you alright?”

Jacob didn’t answer, just staring at the falling snow outside of the window. He had only lit up the bed lamp, his profile somehow melancholic under its tender warm light.

“So you’re not okay.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I can see that you’re more than okay on Instagram.”

“Coming from my smart sister, it must be a sarcasm.”

“You’re the sarcastic one here.”

“Ok, alright, it’s nothing, I just don’t really want to study for finals.”

“Welcome to uni.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

He was almost avoiding her eye and didn’t seem like himself. “I didn’t think I’d be suited to med school.”

Evie stared at him, almost laughing out loud.

“You must be kidding.”

“No.” There was something unsettled in Jacob’s voice.

“So you chose a path that you didn’t want to.”

“And you can make all the right choices in life first try?”

Evie made a “wow” sound. “It must be grave, if it can make you say something like that.”

“Like I said- you’re very sarcastic tonight.”

Evie fell silent.

“Did you tell Father?”

“Of course not.”

“So what’s wrong?”

Jacob took a deep breath. “I’m not sure if I can tell you directly that I don’t want to do what both you and Father have always wanted me to do.”

“You already did.”

“So what? You’d just say that I’m just disoriented and I’ll grow to fit in.”

“I’ve never said that.”

“Really?” Jacob raised one eyebrow. “Anyway, Father has you to inherit the mantle and wouldn’t care less about what his disappointment of a son will be doing with his life.”

“It’s not fair to Father to say that.”Evie felt a rage building up.

“I knew you’d say that.” Jacob laughed, swigging the beer. “It doesn’t matter anyway, I’ll just have to wait and see. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that anyway.”

“Do what?”

Jacob thought for a moment. “Have you ever thought about the reason why you wanted to become a doctor? Is that just because of Father? Do you have any other motivation that allows you to face the stress of taking someone’s life in your hands?”

“What do you mean?”

“For you, life is a practice of your principles. For me, it’s just an adventure. I don’t care about what other people might be doing or think of me, nor do I want to take on the responsibilities you both are willing to take.”

“Oh do you, now?”

Jacob shot her a look.

“Have a good night.”

Evie didn’t say anything. She returned the earphone to Jacob, stood up and walked straight to the door. 

“Sis.”

Jacob called after her. 

“What?”

“Don’t tell Father anything. I know it’s important for him.”

She turned around. Jacob’s look seemed like a supplication. 

“Ok.”

Evie said it through gritted teeth, left his room and closed the door.

***

After the results of finals came out in March, Evie sent a message to Jacob, asking if he’d like to have lunch with her on the lawn in front of the faculty. Jacob replied shortly after she sent it.

“Of course!”

She paced back and forth on the lawn as the crowd walking by, distracted and fidgety. It seemed that this year there had been some sort of distance between them, which reminded her of the first two years after puberty. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about him. She was just sensitive and attentive enough to notice that he needed much more personal space than before. She didn’t know whether Jacob had felt the same, nor would she ask. Back in middle school, sometimes Jacob would joke that it felt like she was his girlfriend. She had always thought that comparison as absurd without knowing exactly why. Now she understood: they didn’t have to prove anything to each other. 

But abandoning med school was another story. She understood that he needed to have his own life, but had never imagined that he could actually betray the lifelong expectation of Father and hers.

Absorbed in her thought, Evie suddenly heard someone talking to her.

“Hi, do you know Angel Drugs?”The girl that approached her had short hair, a rotund shape and a strong Scottish accent. 

“…Excuse me?”

Evie thought she misheard her.

“Angel Drug is a non-lucrative association organized and run by students of med school, aimed at providing tests on illegal drugs free of charge for the public and professional consumption advice,”her tone was brisk and cheerful, “to help prevent unnecessary death. ”

Evie heard a loud bark of laughter behind her. It was Jacob.

“You heard that?”He was still laughing, breathless and delighted. “What the actual fuck?”

“My name is Agnes and we’re in the same class,”She nodded at Evie, “the association is mainly run by students of senior years, but we’re also actively seeking new joiners. Are you interested?”

“Oh hell yes!”Jacob blinked at Agnes, took a form and a pen from her, scribbled his info down and returned them to her.

“Thank you!” Agnes cleared her throat and waved at both of them. “See you this afternoon in physio,” and headed towards another group of students walking out of the building.

Evie squinted at Jacob.

“Don’t look at me like that, my sister dearest. Haven’t you heard that it’s for a good cause?”

“To be honest, I don’t know what’s wrong with you.”

“I’m just trying to help.”

They walked to a bench alongside the lawn and sat down side by side. Jacob pulled out two sandwiches from his backpack. “Egg and bacon or salmon, which one do you want?”

“Salmon.”

“You should’ve asked me first. What if I also wanted the salmon?” Jacob pouted. He could clearly see that she was already angry.

“You get your results?”

“So that’s what the lunch is about.”

“What did you think?”

“It could be that you miss me and need both physical and psychological comfort.”

Evie ignored him. “So?”

Jacob took a bite on his sandwich. “Passed everything, if you must know.”He handed his phone to her, the grades on the screen even better than she expected. 

“Can’t believe I’m showing you my grades like a primary schoolboy.”

“Tell me what drugs you’ve been buying.” She tried to change the subject.

“Just the usual ones.” He never told her much about it, probably because he knew she’d be mad if he did.

“I want the names.”

Jacob heard her tone and knew that her stubbornness would win out. He sighed. 

“Normally just weed or some MPA, did coke and DMT a few times. Was clubbing with Freddy the other day and got some LSD. Are you done with the interrogation?”

Evie didn’t say anything.

“Told you not to ask.”

“So now it’s my fault?”

“I can’t spend my fucking money the way I want?”

“And you can’t think about us?”

Jacob’s mouth fell half-open.

“And I can’t think about myself?”

Evie stood up abruptly.

“Evie,”Jacob’s voice sounded a bit odd. “I’m going to the business school at East Anglia this September.”

Evie couldn’t believe what she heard.

“You…what?”

Some students walking by threw a glance at them. 

“I said I’m transferring to the business school at East Anglia.”

Jacob looked less resolute than when he said it the first time. Maybe he had already imagined this scene in his mind again and again, but still panicked at the last minute. Evie stared at him, trying to calm herself down.

“This isn’t possible.”

“Why not?” Jacob raised his head and looked at her again, somehow recovering some stillness. “Come on, people are watching.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Why can’t I? I’ve already submitted my application and I’ll hear back in June. Do you think they’re going to say no to my med-school-passed-all-grades?”

Evie fell silent.

Jacob stood up and reached out, but Evie didn’t know if it was to comfort her. She pushed him away, threw the sandwich at him, turned around and was about to stride away. 

“Father already knows!” Jacob shouted after her.

“What did you say?” Evie turned around and looked at him, totally stunned.

“I told him yesterday.” Jacob grinned without humor. “He told me not to ask for one more cent from him.”

Evie felt tongue-tied. “That wasn’t what he wanted to say,” she finally said.

“Do you really think so? Since when did you two stop telling me what to do and what not to do?”

Jacob shoved the unfinished sandwiches into his bag, walked away and left her alone.

***

Evie couldn’t sleep that night. She was constantly checking her mobile as though expecting something, but Jacob didn’t send her any texts. Nor did he turn his head around and grin at her as usual in class that afternoon. She felt heavy-headed and dizzy when she went back to her room and fell asleep in a daze. It was already eleven o’clock when she woke up again. Opening her eyes, the first thing that she saw was the falling rain under the streetlamp outside of her window.

Evie curled up quietly under the covers, trying to figure out the reason behind his leaving and her refusal to accept it. Jacob was right, Father and she had always had a silent alliance against him. Jacob used to dryly say that she was “Father’s little girl”, but she had never considered it as something worth dwelling on. In the same way, since they started the university, she had noticed them drifting apart again, but she had never thought about the reason behind it, just like she had never thought about why he had always been a tough child. Father once said that she knew Jacob better than him, and now she doubted it. It’s not that Father knew something – nobody ever knew anything.

She dialed Father’s number.

“Is it true what Jacob said?”

“Evie…”

Father seemed to have just woken up. “Are you alright?”

Listening to his voice, Evie tried to suppress the urge to cry. “Jacob told me about the transfer today.”

“I know, he told me yesterday.”

“Did you say you’ll no longer support him?”

Father fell silent for a moment.

“I think we both have to let it go.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Evie, he is my child, I love him just like I love you.” Father’s slow and heavy voice echoed in her ear. “Since the moment of your birth, deep down I knew that one day, sooner or later, you will both be gone and I will be alone again.”

Maybe Father’s insistence that they both carry on the family’s profession was just the manifestation of his own fear of loneliness. A figure of light and unattached souls dispersing into the hollow sky sprung to Evie’s mind, while she saw Father sinking down into the bottomless darkness. Is that what he had always feared after Mother was gone? Had he been looking for something he could hold onto?

“I won’t leave you alone.”

“My child, how can you always be around for me? And Jacob? Am I going to say no to my own child?”

Suddenly she heard a knock the door.

Evie wiped off the tears from the corners of her eyes. “Got to go, I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Evie.”

She rubbed her face again, walked to the door and looked through the door mirror. It was Jacob, in his black coat covered with rain. He lived in another building not far away from her, but rarely dropped by.

She opened door and turned around hurriedly so that he wouldn’t see her face. Jacob held her from behind, his warm and familiar smell filling her nostrils like gentle tides.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what？ For not being what I expected you to be?”

Finally Evie understood why he had to leave. It didn’t mean that he didn’t love them anymore, and it had nothing to do with betrayal or abandonment. He just needed to be on his own, to grow up and to face the world and himself alone. 

“Don’t blame yourself. Since I stopped blaming myself and started blaming everyone else, life has been much easier.” His arms held her waist, kisses gently falling along her earlobe.

Evie fell silent before starting again. “I will come to see you on weekends.”

“Okay.”

“Will you be coming home with me?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t blame Father. He’ll support you until you can manage on your own.”

“I know.”

“I know you’ll still do your stupid drugs.”

“I don’t care that you know.”

Evie turned around and looked into his eyes. His beautiful green eyes were like two deep springs that she couldn’t see through. She took his face in her hands, pressing her lips to his own.


	4. Chapter 4

“Jacob?”

Jacob was lying idly on the bed staring at his laptop, and lifted his head when he heard his sister call him. The sunshine of Saturday afternoon filtered through the closed blinds, falling onto the floor near the double bed that was placed at the corner of Evie's narrow studio. Feeling a little bit cold with his upper body naked, Jacob grabbed the T-shirt that had been thrown on the ground beside the bed and put it on. Evie had already got dressed and was ready to leave.

“I’m leaving, night shift today. Will be back at 2 am.”

“Ok!”

“Don’t you bring girls from Tinder to my place.”

“How did you know?”

Jacob laughed out loud gleely when he saw Evie rolled her eyes.

“You’re not coming here to say goodbye before you leave?”

He liked when Evie blushed. When they were alone, she behaved in a somehow different way. Normally she was too serious and would take any opportunity she could get her hands on to lecture him, the reason why he couldn’t help irritating her. When they were alone together, she would turn into a mischievous and spontaneous little girl who almost couldn't live without him. When they were in college, there once when Evie came to visit him, and they went out for a drink with Ned, a friend of Jacob's. They both went to the bathroom while Ned was waiting for them at the counter to pay for the bills, and that's when Evie dragged him abruptly into a stall of the empty lady’s room and started kissing him like crazy. Snickering, Jacob grabbed her arms, turned her around and tugged off her underwear in one smooth movement. He knew she was on pills and when he pushed into her, Evie let out a hoarse gasp and bit down on his fingers.

“Ned is still waiting out there.” He whispered, biting gently her earlobe.

“I know he won’t be waiting for too long anyway.” Evie squeezed her words out through gritted teeth.

“That’s a good one. I happen to know someone who’d _love_ to have him wait longer.”

When they finally got dressed and went back to the counter, Ned thought they had already left and was about to leave.

“Are you alright?” He saw the flush on Evie’s cheeks.

“Well, yeah…I was vomiting…Jacob was helping me.” She added hurriedly when she saw his face. “ I’m not pregnant, just ate something weird yesterday.”

Jacob couldn't stop making fun of her by mentioning this anecdote for a long time.

“Hey!”

Jacob shook his head and came back to the reality. Evie was staring at him with her head tilted. “If you go to supermarket later, bring me a bottle of cider.”

“No problem.”

Evie nodded, bent down and gave him a kiss.

“See you later.”

“See you.”

The door closed behind her.

He was spending this weekend at her place, since on Sunday they would go back to Crawley to visit their father’s grave for the second anniversary of his death. Though they were both living in London now, they weren’t really spending much spare time together. Evie kept saying that Jacob hated that he wasn’t directly born in London but had wasted so many years in the boring countryside, and that she would never become a squanderer like him, who could spend a whole weekend partying in every downtown club or spend a whole night on week days smoking weeds with his roommates in their living room, listening to crap music and talking about nonsense until four or five o’clock in the morning and then get up at eight to go to work. What she loved about London was those museums and theaters, which held much more varied and significant activities than those in Crawley or in the city of her university.

“Girls on Tinder are also prettier in London.” Jacob said once. It was true though, speaking from her own experience.

Jacob was still lying on the bed watching movie when Evie got home at half past two in the morning. She saw a bottle of cider in the kitchen and hummed in satisfaction.

“That’s a made in Normandy. You got to pay me back.” London’s exorbitant housing price made it hard for both of them to have any saving.

“Would orgasms do?”

“Such a romantic.” Jacob raised one eyebrow. Evie took off her coat and scarf, opening the cupboard. “Got to eat first, too hungry. Have you already had dinner?”

“Nope, was waiting for you.”

“Now that is romantic.” Evie took out a half-empty bag of spaghetti.

Jacob jumped off the bed and came to help her. He boiled a broccoli and cut some tomatoes as salad while Evie fried two sausages and opened the cider. After they finished the dinner, Jacob did the dishes as he knew that she was tired.

“Have you saved the train tickets to your phone?”

“Yes.”

Evie fell silent for a while before standing up. “I’m going to bed now. Don’t forget the alarm clock, we’ve got a train to catch at ten o’clock.”

“No prob. Are you alright?”

Evie was already in the bathroom. Jacob went back to bed, tidied it up, slipped into the covers and took a look at his phone.

“Frankly I don’t know what else do you do with your phone apart from watching porn and hooking up.” Evie had finished washing and came out from the bathroom with her dark chestnut hair down. The heat in the room wasn’t strong enough and she was wrapped in her thick night dress. Jacob liked to see her hair loose, and liked it even more when he stroked it away from her sweaty pale back while he took her from behind.

“As if you used yours for some decent purpose.”

Evie slipped into the covers. Jacob took her cold hand into his own and let her bury her calves into his too.

“Feeling better?”

“Thanks.”

They fell silent for a while.

“You haven’t answered my question yet.”

“What question?”

“Are you alright?”

Evie didn’t make the sarcastic remark about him being "sentimental" as usual. Her head was rested on his shoulders and he couldn’t see her face.

“I’d better not ask that question.”

“Exactly, just keep your mouth shut.”

Another silence and Evie broke into laughter. Jacob laughed too.

“Ok, go on.”

“I think we will never know the answer.”

Jacob hummed in assent.

They hadn’t really talked about their relationship since adolescence. After Jacob transferred to another university, his relationship with Father miraculously improved; they would talk through emails and Jacob would try to spend more time with him whenver he was at home. Though Jacob had always had casual flings, he had never wanted to develop any committed relationship, nor did he think he was capable of. A classmate and a colleague of Evie's at the hospital, Henry, seemed to have some feelings towards her and had been asking her out. Once Evie told him in a coffee that they could see each other, date or have sex but she didn’t want to be his girlfriend.

Henry thought for a while and said OK. He was born to a first generation Indian immigrant family in England, but had grown up here and was rather British than Indian. Evie had always considered him a good person, but she didn’t really have that time or the energy to take care of other people’s emotional needs.

But it wasn’t because Jacob alone was enough. They were just attracted to each other’s body and couldn’t help it every time they were alone together. They didn’t need to prove or explain anything to each other, even at the worst of times. Sometimes Evie thought that it was just a question of habit, or maybe, of rebellion.

That question was “what if Father knew about us.”

Father was diagnosed with terminal cancer two years ago and passed away merely three months later. Evie had already seen countless bodies at her internship, but still completely broke down when she saw his face on his deathbed.

She thought she had used up all the tears of her remaining life on Jacob’s shoulder that day at the funeral.

They were still in their early twenties back then and had never expected anything remotely similar. From receiving the news to signing off the papers, Jacob was acting almost like a grown-up and arranged everything as it should be. He sat his trembling sister on a bench in the hallway of the funeral home, pressing a long and heavy kiss onto her forehead.

“You don’t need to say anything, just come in with me, I will be here with you.”

One night a few months later, she suddenly woke up from sleep and found Jacob beside her, sobbing like a lost child. He always said that all last wishes were just absurd, as life was only a long and ironic game where everyone only wanted each other’s place. However, that day, when she held her crying brother in her arms, she knew, deep down, how much they wished that things could have been different.

 

***

In the summer of Evie’s second year at Foundation Programme, the twins had finally decided to spend their holidays together, the first time after Father passed away. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to; it was just a coincidence that Jacob had been doing summer internships in London and Evie had been abroad for some volunteer programs. Evie was in France for an exchange programme during the fourth year and Jacob was joking about her French mannerism for a whole year – at least that was what he claimed. He came to visit her twice and she had only come home tfor Christmas and for the Easter holidays. It was the first Christmas after Father was gone. She woke up quite early that day when Jacob was still asleep, went down alone the stairs and stood in the hollow kitchen, lost in thoughts and in the cold and silent wintry air.

They had finally had some savings after the first year into adult life. One weekend when they were having dinner together, Jacob said suddenly, “Let’s go on holidays this summer together to the south.” She gave it a thought and said yes. It was where she kissed him for the first time when they were fifteen years old. Only this time, Father would no longer be with them. It had been nearly ten years.

They found an old apartment in a gray alley, close to the train station and the sea. One day after dinner, they were walking together alone on the beach, the dark crude sand underneath their feet, the lighted city in the distance. Jacob followed her silently, and stopped by a large rock to kiss her. She responded him quietly. Everything was still the same, yet everything was different.

Evie suddenly smiled.

“What?”

“I’m wondering why are you being so quiet and boring today.”

“So you think humor is my second nature.”

“I have always been envy of you.”

“You envy of me?” Jacob made a “I’m impressed” face.

“Has it never occurred to you?”

“Normal people would say the other way around. You’re the correct one.”

“And you mean what’s correct according to Father.”

This is the first time they talked about Father in this way since he was gone. Maybe there wasn’t enough time yet to dilute the sorrow, nor to give way for the apparent oblivion.

“Well I didn’t expect that.” Jacob seemed surprised.

Evie continued. “Do you remember you skipping out of my window during year ten to go partying?”

“Yeah?”

“Actually I had always expected you to take me with you.”

They both smiled. But it wasn’t so much a smile of joy or happiness as of nostalgia. They sat down together on the beach, watching the dark horizon of the sea. There seemed to be sails swaying up and down.

“I guess Father had never found out.”

Evie shrugged her shoulders. “And what if he did? Anyway, that’s when I became envy of you. Always so many friends and parties, so many places to go to, never bored. Then I discovered that it was your talent – to gather people around you. Like a gang leader. I can do an excellent job with my exams, but I rarely make people want to be close to me.”

“Maybe that was just a need. A child would always need attention. If you can’t get that from your family, you can only turn to your social circle.”

“You think it has something to do with Mother not being here?”

“I think has something to do with you.” Jacob used an accusing tone but she knew he wasn’t really accusing her. She smiled and tucked some hair behind her ear. “With Father and I.” She finally said.

Jacob didn’t deny her. “You were quite distant those years, except when you needed me. All that you cared about was whether I fucked up my exams or got into trouble or if I could make it to a med school like you.” His tone was half-joking, but they knew what he said was true. “And Father, well, you know.”

“Yeah.”

Another wave of wind brought along a salty, wet scent. A group of laughing and shrieking young people came running by, one of them singing an unknown but strangely familiar song.

“I have always thought about Mother, how she was and how it would be like with her.” Evie said.

“Me too.”

Evie looked at him in surprise. She thought that Mother had never existed for him, either physically or psychologically.

“I have always thought that if Mother was here, maybe I would be an easier kid, but also a less funny one. I had tried really hard to be a funny one.”

“You tried hard to be funny?” Evie couldn’t help smiling.

“At first you always needed some effort, but it got easier and easier, especially after you started to consider it as part of your own identity. If I was forced to be funny for attention at the beginning, eventually, I was almost certain that ‘this is me, this is how I am’.”

“Tricky.”

“Well actually it makes you question your so-called free will.”

They were like normal siblings talking about their family, as if it was just a usual conversation. Evie felt that they had never been that close before. Partly because of the years that had elapsed in between, partly because of the circumstances.

Father was gone. All the family she had in the entire world, was him and him alone.

“If Mother was here,” Jacob continued, “maybe life would have been easier for you.”

“How so?” Evie asked, however she already knew the answer. She was sure that he knew that she knew.

“Well, maybe there would be some evil alliance between two of us against our parents.”

They smiled again. Evie kissed his cheek and held his hand. Jacob put his other hand on hers.

“That would have been disastrous.”

“Thank god she wasn’t there.”

There was a breve silence before Jacob started off again.

“I have never figured out why you kissed me.”

Evie laughed. “It was you who made the move.”

“Bullshit, I remember it as if it was yesterday. It was you who jumped into me.”

“I mean the year before that, when you were sleeping on my bed every time.”

Jacob seemed to have remembered.

“I was just drunk and high.”

“Charming.”

Evie smiled and fell silent for a moment. “I don’t think we’d need any reason.” She finally said.

“Me either.”

Evie could understand his voice and knew that it was his true words. She hugged him and he held her tighter, like ten years ago. Only this time, they knew that only death could do them part.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter you'll find the smut you need lol suit yourself

1

The phone screen lightened. Evie glanced at it and saw a message from Jacob.

“Can we go to McDonald’s now? The burgers are at 1 pound only.”

She turned her head around and saw Jacob a few rows back, grinning at her and pointing at the exit with one hand.

It was already one o’clock in the morning. The library before finals was open until five o’clock in the morning and would reopen at eight, so that students who had been hanging out aimless or partying like there was no tomorrow could grasp at straws and try to stuff a whole semester's worth of lectures into their battered brain in two weeks’ time. Med students complained how students of other majors could waste their time as they pleased during the semester, but still had no other choice than to compete for the limited library seats with them. It was the first finals since the twins started the university, as they could feel an overwhelming atmosphere of nameless excitement and anxiousness all over the faculty.

It wasn’t that Evie wasn't prepared; quite the contrary. She had already set the goal of EPM first decile for herself since the very first day, and what she was doing now was just a strive for perfection. As for Jacob, she thought since he’s already an adult now, she didn’t need to keep an eye on him all the time but should let him be responsible for himself.

She knew Jacob must be laughing at this idea.

“Ten minutes,” she wrote quickly on the phone, “and you’ll have more stuff in your belly than in your brain.” Then she turned the pages of her notes back to the third chapter of biochemistry, planning to go over the summary of this chapter again before taking a break. She could imagine how Jacob was fidgeting back there and sent another message: “burn!”

She turned around to look at him, almost bursting into laughter. Jacob was pointing his finger at her, grimacing, as if saying “wait and see”.

When Evie turned her head around ten minutes later, Jacob was already gone. She closed her notes, put on her coat and went downstairs to the entrance and saw Jacob there smoking with Freddy and Aleck as she expected. They said hi to each other.

“So what are you doing here?” Freddy seemed surprised to see Evie at this hour. “Only the sloppy slackers would be here trying to save the day.”

“That’s exactly why she’s here.” Jacob snickered when he saw the look on Evie's face.

They talked about some random stuff about the exams before saying goodbye to the boys and leaving for the fast food restaurant.

“Are you hungry?”

“Of course, if not why would I want to go there.”

“Maybe you’re just being lazy.”

“Or because I just want to get laid.”

“Not today.” Evie made a “stop” gesture.

“She’s so serious.” Jacob cast her a glance, smirking.

“Jacob!”

“Don’t forget what you said to me earlier.”

“I only say that because I care. So you can make it or not?”

They were standing at the entrance of McDonald’s now, next to two girls who seemed to be middle schoolers, with heavy eye make-up and black choker, trembling in the cold wind in their fishnet stockings.

“Why do you care?”

Evie hated when Jacob asked that question.

“Ok I haven’t finished pharmacology yet. You think I can pass?”

“What are you asking me for. You should ask yourself what you’ve been up to.”

“I’ve been up to getting laid.”

Evie scowled at Jacob as he threw the cigarette butt away grinning.

“Not in front of me please. You want some cancer?”

“Oh that’s so sweet.”

Jacob almost jumped to the counter and asked for a fish burger. He turned his head around and looked at Evie.

“No thanks, not hungry.”

“I’d say you’ve gained some weight. Oh and I know that by groping.”

He seemed so amused to elicit that ferocious look out of Evie in public. She sighed, took a random chair and sat down beside the table, waiting for him to come with a tray and sit down too.

“Honestly,” Jacob took a bite on his burger hungrily, “I don’t know why you’re still here at this hour. Haven’t you already gone through your notes like thirty thousand times?”

“What if you’ve got some questions.” Evie curled her lips.

“Oh…” Jacob raised his eyebrows in a dramatic way.

“So you’ve got any question?”

“I told you I haven’t finished pharma yet. How can I know if I’ve got any question if I haven’t even finished reading the notes?”

Such a brilliant logic. She sighed again.

“I hate this stuff.” Jacob suddenly said.

Evie looked at him and that conversation in Christmas came to her mind again. She didn’t know what to say.

Jacob seemed to see her through. “Don’t worry, I will make it.”

Evie could tell when her brother was joking and when he was being serious. She stared at him and nodded slowly.

“Ok then,” Jacob took out a serviette and wiped some sauce off his hands carelessly, “let’s go back to work. Shall we?”

 

2

Evie didn’t sleep well last night. She woke up at five o'clock once and at seven o'clock again, then woke up completely at half past nine. Jacob was still asleep behind her, arms around her waist and legs behind hers. It wasn’t a particularly comfortable position, especially in the cramped single bed of her student’s accommodation. She tried to push him away a little, rubbed her eyes and made sure she’d somehow recovered from the revelry last night.

She was never a party girl, but could hardly resist the temptation of indulging in the night after a few months without seeing him. This was her fifth month abroad, but life was rather lackluster here with doctors who half-jokingly called her “poulette” at the hospital where she was doing her internship; anyway, she was just an English exchange student who hadn’t obtained the formal degree yet. Jacob was here once when the semester just began, but hadn’t do anything meaningful other than getting as drunk as a lord with a bunch of other students. Of course, dragging her into the broom closet in her hospital and having his way with her until she was sour and exhausted was another story.

At least she didn’t forget to take her pills last night. She glanced at the nightstand beside the bed, trying to prop herself up on her elbow and reaching out for the glass on the table. It was easy to forget the routine once you started drinking.

“Where are you going?”

Jacob asked from behind, voice foggy. His arms tightened around her waist instinctively, kisses slowly down her back. She was only wearing a lace slip dress as the heat in the room was quite powerful.

“I’m not going anywhere. Do you want some water?”

“I’d have something far more delicious.” He murmured behind her, breath warm on her back. She didn’t know if he was still asleep, turning around and pressing a kiss on his forehead. Jacob was shirtless with his twenty pennies necklace and that ridiculous rook tattoo on his chest, eyes drowsy and barely open. She used to laugh at the tattoo and how it made him look like a hooligan even though he insisted that he must have been some London gang leader in his previous life. His smelt good, she thought, that smell of his intermingled with her own of her bed, softer, more familiar and deeper in her memories than any other smell she could ever recall. Eyes still half-shut, he took her face in his hands and pressed a long kiss on her lips, then slid one hand down her lap. She had missed it and somehow it felt unreal.

“What did I do yesterday?” He murmured.

“Now you even bother to ask.”

“Never mind.”

They exchanged a few kisses quietly before Jacob suddenly dropped his head back to the pillow with a painful grimace.

“I want some water.”

“No distraction allowed right now.”

“Seriously.”

Evie pressed her forehead against his as he let out a discontent moan. “Don’t be so rough.” She grabbed the glass of water and passed it to him, watching him take a swig and lie down again.

“I don’t understand why we still have to put up with hangovers. It’s already twenty-first century for god’s sake.”

“Actions have consequences.”

“You mean this too?”

His move was so fast and he knew her body so well that he could locate that most sensible bud between her thighs in an instant, enjoying satisfiedly the shiver of her body it caused. Her breath became ragged as the wave of thrill from that point coursed through her entire body, pushing her to writhe and search for his lips instinctively. He responded her with warm, wet and delicious kisses, then hummed lazily.

“Someone’s got a good mood today.”

Evie couldn’t speak. She pushed her forehead against the crook of his neck, gasping unevenly. She could do it better by herself, of course, but it was nice to be taken care of too. Right at that moment, Jacob took his hand away, dragged her slip dress down and leaned in, pressing his mouth on her breast and taking the hard bud between his teeth.

It felt like an explosion of firework. The striking pleasure roared all over her body like waves of tempestuous sea, leaving her breathless, as she had to grab the back of his neck to save herself from drowning. It had been a long time since they were last together; she was already captivated by the sheer force of it. The overwhelming rush of heat from her lower abdomen devoured her, exposing her to the inevitable sensation of emptiness.

“Damn it Jacob.”

She pushed him away and straddle him directly, as Jacob made a “wow” sound and looked up at her with a mixed look of lust and awe. She leaned a little bit forward and tugged his boxer off, wrapping his length with both hands. Just as he knew her body, she knew his as well – maybe too much-; she knew with which exact strength and speed she’d make his knee weak. Jacob inhaled deeply and his whole body went rigid, as Evie could see him biting his lower lip so hard that it went white. He suddenly propped himself up, dragged her underwear away between her legs and pushed hard into her without warning.

Evie had never known any word that could describe properly the sensation of that instant. She had never used any recreational drugs herself, but had heard Jacob talk about the sensation of having serotonin surging in the veins. “Someone told me: never have sex when you’re on drugs, cause then you won’t be able to enjoy the normal sex anymore,” he said, “but that’s total bullshit. I mean, how can there be any drug better than sex itself?”

She straightened her body, gritting the teeth and trying to block her own sounds, but couldn’t help letting out a panting whimper as she succumbed to that quivering feeling of being filled. Jacob’s fingers tightened on her waist, the vehement kisses on her lips and neck mixed with biting and sucking, the rhythmic movement sending waves of shudders to both of them. She knew where that spot was and pushed Jacob back to the bed, leaning her body a bit forward, “Don’t you dare move.”

Jacob knew she could take care of herself. Wheezing heavily, he wrapped his fingers around her hardened nipples and scratched them gently with the nails, while she chased her own pleasure through the paced movement she was already familiar with, hitting that most sensible spot repeatedly and pushing herself higher and higher until her mind went totally blank. When they were still teenagers, they had talked about orgasms, a strangely awkward but intimate moment when she told him about the itchy, numbing and souring sensation just moment before the climax and how she would rush to it senselessly. Her body went stiff as she concentrated all her mind and force, the sheet underneath her knees soaked by her sweat, until the moment when she finally lost herself in the uncontrollable release that roared in her ears and rushed through her entire body. She didn’t know how long she’d been lost, but finally collapsed onto his chest, gasping heavily as he stroked her hair, leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Actually I have counted how many seconds your orgasm lasted this time.” Jacob chuckled.

“You’re really incredible, you know that?”

“Of course I am. Don’t you want to know?”

“It won’t be longer than the orgasm of a sow so never mind.”

“Oh my sweet sister,” Jacob whispered in her ears and climbed over her, “We’re not done yet, don’t you forget?”

He wasn’t the rough type but could be too unpredictable for her liking, doing whatever he fancied on a whim even in the bed, never letting her get right when he’d let her come. Her sensible spot was just above the entrance on the front side, which made missionary the easiest position for her to reach her orgasm, especially when the god damned fingers of Jacob knew exactly how to play with and massage her swollen clit. Jacob once gave her a vibrator as a Christmas gift when they were still in middle school, laughing like a schoolboy. God knows how much it helped them later. Her head unconsciously drew back and her arms tightened around his neck, as he lowered his head to bite softly on her neck and breasts, continuing his rhythmic movement that drove her insane. She felt her whole body melting away as if having been exposed to the sun for too long, and at the same time it felt like gasping for fresh air after having been drowned in water. Jacob switched the angle which elicited another trembling wail out of her, whispering into her ears, “I want to see you come,” as she tightened suddenly her fingers on his back, nails deeply in his flesh, reaching the dizzying climax again that sent her into the clouds. He didn’t stop though; kissing her sweaty cheeks and holding his breath, he kept on moving with such a force that the whole bed was squeaking beneath them. She didn’t want it to end right now. Her legs wrapped tightly around his waist, skin totally soaked by their sweat, their kisses hot and deep on each other's lips and tongues, as if they were devouring each other. “Don’t stop,” she breathed, “think about David Cameron.”

Jacob let out a bark of laughter and buried his head in the crook of her neck.

“Now THAT is incredible.”

“At least he’s fat enough, don’t you think?”

He pulled out before she could react and grabbed her waist to turn her around. Of course, she thought. He always saved his favorite for last.

She didn’t know where did he get his predilection for this position, maybe that’s just a form of rebellion against her apparent sisterly authority over him as at least it explained why his move became aggressive, impulsive and rough, his hand dragging forcefully her hair backward, eliciting painful small moans from her. She grabbed one hand of his and bit hard on his fingers, knowing that this little half-hearted resistance of hers could only excite him more. She usually left him to decide when to finish; he didn’t have to ask and she didn’t mind either. His final thrusts were powerful and wild, reminding her unaccountably of the roar of some hurt animal.

“That was fast.” She turned her head around and smirked at him, half joking.

“Fuck you.”

“You just did.”

Here came the part that Jacob hated most. “Where’s the tissue?”

Evie reached out to the nightstand and took a pack of tissue out of the drawer while he was still inside of her. “This is the only advantage of using condoms.”

“And also protecting you from STDs.”

“You never showed me any health report, did you?”

“Too late, now you have AIDS.”

“AIDS is not what you get by having unprotected sex you idiot. And you went to a med school once.”

Jacob laughed and kissed her. She leaned in and gave him a hug.

“I’ve missed that.” She said.

Of course he knew it. He kissed her again and threw the dirty tissue into the bin.

“I’ve missed you too.”


	6. Chapter 6

3

It was the first Christmas after Father passed away. The dawn hadn’t arrived yet, a dim infinite gray stretching out beyond the horizon outside the window. It was hard to tell whether it was snow or fog.

Evie woke up quite early that morning. She had a weird dream last night, where she wandered in the house, went upstairs and saw Father bent over the desk in his study, engrossed in his work. At the sight of the familiar figure of Father, a rush of relief waved over her, as she realized that he was still alive and all she had gone through before was merely a nightmare. But where had he been all this time?

It took her quite a while to go back to the reality. She was in Jacob’s room, he was still asleep by her side. She was at a loss for a moment before realizing that Father was indeed gone.

She turned her head around and saw the sleeping face of Jacob. He didn’t look defensive or sneaky at all in sleep as he usually did, but rather a little bit childish, reminding her of the times when he hugged or touched her when they were alone together as teenagers. She kissed his forehead, got up, put on a long wool cardigan and went downstairs into the kitchen. She turned on the radio and brewed a pot of coffee, standing against the countertop and sipping it slowly. The lively noises from the radio reminded her of the boisterous busy world far away out there, while she stood beside watching it, only feeling safe. Both Father and her were fond of coffee while Jacob hated it particularly. When they were younger, it was his favorite excuse to not to have breakfast with them. Sometimes when he got up too late on a school day, he would storm downstairs, gulp a glass of orange juice down as quickly as he could and rush out of the house, barely speaking to them.

“Seems like we have to give him a kitchen for himself alone.” Father once said, laughing bitterly.

In the past two years, the relationship between Father and Jacob improved a lot, as the twins left home for university and Father barely had a chance to see them, and when he did, he couldn’t afford to lecture Jacob anymore as he used to. When they were in the second year, there was a time when Evie hadn't heard from Jacob for a few days in a row, and she panicked so much that she almost lost her mind, insisting on calling the police while Father stayed almost calm, to her surprise. “He’s already a grown-up now, try calling Ned.” He told her. Finally it turned out that Jacob was indeed with some friends in a trip to Berlin, had lost his phone and forgot to contact his family. When he finally came back, Evie rushed over to him in the train station and held him with all her force, simply unable to say anything. It was Jacob who seemed remorseful, as he kept saying that he should have called. They went back home that weekend only to find a delicious feast that Father had prepared for them, which he reserved only for special occasions. Father didn’t ask Jacob how had his trip been, instead simply told them that he had repaired their bicycles and that they could go biking to the countryside this weekend as the weather was lovely.

It seemed to Evie that it was then when she finally understood Father. But he was walking forward fast, too fast for her to catch up with him no matter how hard she tried, and she could only watch his figure gradually disappear from her sight.

“Evie?”

She turned her head around. It was Jacob coming downstairs. She didn’t even hear him and the coffee in her hand had already turned cold. He was in his gray-blue t-shirt and cotton trousers, hair messy, barefoot, rubbing his eyes, the look on his face somehow serious.

“I didn’t see you when I woke up, guess you’d be in the kitchen.”

He sounded as if he was blaming her but she knew that he just needed her. She walked over to him and gave him a long hug, and he held her back as well and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

“Haven’t opened your gift yet?”

They went to supermarket for the Christmas tree together two days ago and luckily the decorations they used in the previous years were still in the attic. It wasn’t like they were in any mood to purchase new decorations. The golden balls hanging in the branches swayed gently as she touched them, reflecting their figures in the empty house. Last night, when she was climbing up the stairs after placing the gift under the tree, Jacob happened to come downstairs to place his. They smiled as they crossed each other.

“Not yet. I prefer to share the surprise.”

“It’s a shame that there’re only two gifts this year.”

“I can’t imagine how it would be like to have only one gift left one day.”

She regretted it the instant when she saw Jacob’s face on hearing her words and realized immediately that the impact these words had on him was much stronger than she had imagined. He leaned in and kissed her and she responded him quietly. It was a long and gentle kiss, like the warm streetlight in a snowing city after saying farewell to someone who’d be gone forever. It’s quite rare that they kissed each other this way. Normally they’d only kiss when they were dominated by desires, their move rough, careless and trembling. This time it was different. The voice of Hozier from the radio echoing in the background, lost yet passionate. It was hard to tell whether it was rather a sigh or a vow.

_"We were born sick" You heard them say it My church offers no absolutes She tells me "worship in the bedroom" The only heaven I'll be sent to Is when I'm alone with you I was born sick, but I love it Command me to be well_

_Amen, Amen, Amen_

His kiss was tender on her lips, and the way he looked at her reminded her of the supplicating eyes of a wounded deer. She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling an urge to cry but couldn’t let it out. Father never knew. It was their secret, their lie. If she barely felt guilty when he was alive, considering the notion of guilt as a mere moral construct, then the death of Father had condemned her to a lonely and endless burden.

_Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life_

What would he have said? Would he accept it? Would he be furious and shocked? Would they be on thin ice all day, separated and desperate, cutting all the contact with each other? They would never know.

_No masters or kings when the ritual begins There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene Only then I am human Only then I am clean_

If he had known about it, would his death mean something different? Would that mean they’d be free forever? The fact he was gone without even knowing about it made her feel so lonely. Not exactly sad, but lonely. Father was dead, yet they betrayed him.

They lied.

Evie didn’t know Jacob’s thought on all this as they barely talked about it. She knew however that underneath that careless attitude of his that seemed to take everything lightly, there was an insecure and vulnerable part of him that cared about everything more than anyone. Maybe he expected little else than not losing her, losing Father, yet here they were, alone, only having each other in their arms.

Jacob seemed to know that she could understand him. He held her tight, his head against her neck.

“Don’t go.”

“I won’t.” She held his back softly.

 

4

Evie walked hastily up to the house with a small plastic bag in her hands, absorbed in her thoughts. She was wearing her dark green and black school uniform and a pair of flat loafer shoes, her steps producing a paced crunching sound against the cobblestone road in the garden. She entered the house; Father seemed to be away. At this hour Jacob wouldn't be at home either; he must be smoking weed at some friend’s place.

It wasn’t like she was snooping around, trying to dig into his affairs. It was actually Jacob who made her know – almost carelessly as if it wasn’t his intention - that he was smoking weed, just in the same way as some girls in the class inattentively made everyone know about their experience in a SPA in London last weekend or the artesanal leather bag they received from their aunt in Italy. It seemed as if Jacob was expecting this news to have some impact on her, such as making her angry or lecture him, so that he could use this excuse to legitimately fight her back. At first, he had indeed achieved his goal. Once Evie understood his intention, she tried not to let him get his way, only telling him coldly not to ask her for money. She would still fail though, maybe too often. It wasn’t until a few years later that she realized that he just wanted her attention, just like any other boy of their age.

But what she had in her hands right now had definitely nothing to do with gaining attention.

She opened the door and walked into the silent front hall. It seemed that Father wasn’t home. However, when she was climbing up the stairs, she heard his voice calling her name.

“Evie?”

Her heart tightened for a moment as she walked up to the study. Father was sitting in front of a large pile of books on the desk, turning around to look at her. He took off his glasses and observed her attentively.

“Are you alright?” He seemed to have sensed her unease.

“Yes, Father.”

Evie hesitate for a moment before mustering up the courage.

“There’s something I’d like you to know. I got the prescription of contraceptive pills from Dr. Elliotson.”

There was a breve silence.

“I’ve been having severe PSM and sometimes I can’t even study with that headache.” At least that was true.

“Ok.” Father gazed at her. He seemed slightly worried and it was as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t say anything in the end. Evie stood at the door of the study, her own heartbeat racing in her ears.

“If you need anything, let me know. I will go to the supermarket later. If you can talk to Jacob, tell him to come home earlier.” Father finally said, before turning around again. She knew that the conversation was over, and was relieved to feel a great weight suddenly lifted from her shoulders. She walked back to her room and closed the door behind her as fast as she could.

Evie knew that Father trusted her wholeheartedly, and believed that she could be responsible for her own decisions. It was her own choice to tell him about it too, at least that was her way to respond to his trust. It was already awful enough to keep the secret she had now, and she wasn’t someone fond of keeping secrets.

She took a deep breath, took out the instructions and started to read them. It wasn’t that she hadn’t done her research beforehand; it just felt different to have it physically in her hands.

Jacob still didn’t know about it and she did not plan to tell him either. He would certainly make a fuss about it and she only wanted to keep things simple.

Even though the twins lived together, they rarely had opportunities of physical contact. Father was at home from time to time, Jacob usually off with his friends and they couldn’t stop quarreling over whatever matter it was when they were together. At least he wasn’t being too unreasonable and promised to always use condom, no matter with whom. But it didn’t mean he wouldn’t complain.

“I don’t like this,” once he held a used condom between his fingers with a look of disgust. They usually threw the used condoms in a bin a few blocks away from home. “I don’t care if I have to use it with others, but I don't want to use it with you.”

“Is that a compliment?” Her tone was totally sarcastic.

“It’s a confession.” He responded with a smirk.

Evie thought him to be too childish and didn't told him about the pills, until that summer. That summer was extremely hot as she recalled. They went on a pick-nick on a Sunday afternoon by bike and stopped on their way back in the woods near a neighbor’s farm to drink water. When they were kissing each other on the ground like two little animals, panting and sweating, Evie ripped her underwear off, held him down and was about to directly sit onto him.

Jacob’s eyes went wide open.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m on pills.”

“What?”

His voice got interrupted. It felt indeed different, she thought faintly, as though in a dream. Jacob kissed her senselessly, as if he was drowning and she was his only savior. She held him tight, for the first time regretting not having told him about it earlier.

He was strangely silent on their way back home that day, without joking about what had happened as he usually would, which unsettled her. He came to her room in the evening, with a serious air she had barely seen before.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought you wouldn’t care.” She wasn’t telling the truth.

“Of course I care.”

“Why?”

Jacob fell tongue-tied for a moment. “Maybe because I love you.”

Evie rarely said “I love you” to her brother. The meaning of this statement was too subtle and ambiguous for her. Sometimes Evie felt as if he was only acting affectionately towards her when he wanted something from her or to be left alone, so for her, this statement didn’t have the usual romantic connotation in this context. However, it was also true that she didn’t expect him to feel differently. She thought he’d be angry or upset, but instead he chose to be honest about his feeling, about his expectation of her trust, and chose to talk to her, to let her know his feelings. These were the moments when he truly surprised her even though they couldn’t know each other better – in both good and bad way.

“I’m sorry.”

He gave her a silent hug.

They hadn’t talked about it anymore, nor did they use condoms from then on. At least he stopped complaining.


	7. Chapter 7

5

Evie jostled through the noisy crowd, left the club’s dance floor and closed the main door behind her. The roaring electronic music in the background weakened instantly, and the dazzling blue and green flash light in the dark was replaced by a stable warm orange light in the hallway. The girl in the coat check cabinet was engrossed in a book, which made Evie smile. She showed her the number on her bracelet and she quickly found her coat.

“Danke!”

Evie stepped out of the building into Berlin’s cold night of early spring, a few groups of young people smoking and talking loudly near the entrance. She found a corner, took out the lighter and a cigarette, lit it and started smoking. She never smoked except on social occasions, which enhanced the effect of nicotine on her when she did. On top of the shots she’d taken back in the club, she soon felt a dizzying thrill emptying her mind. This famous nightclub was located right at the city’s commercial center, from where she could see the horizon of the illuminated grand platz, as if burning on fire. It was Jacob who proposed to travel together on this first Easter holiday after he transferred to another university, with the obvious intention of getting wasted in every electronic music night club in Berlin. It sounded fun to her too though.

“Hey!”

Jacob stumbled out of the entrance. Evie saw him and weaved at him.

“Where you’ve been? Dismissing me like that earlier.”

“So this is Berlin, you can find surprise even in the bathroom.”

Evie felt an odd hunch creeping in. She grabbed his hand and looked attentively into his eyes, his pupils dilated like those of a cat in a dark night. She looked at the silly smile on his face again and made a face between sighing and rolling her eyes.

“Incredible.”

“Consider yourself lucky, at least I know the stuff.”

Evie didn’t reply. Between alcohol, music, nicotine, the unknownness and the night, for once, she wanted to indulge in the moment. “Do you want one?” She handed a cigarette to Jacob.

He grinned and took out his own lighter and a cigarette, lightning it and taking a puff in one practiced move. “You’re being so generous tonight.”

Evie shook her head and laughed.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothing. It just feels so good.”

Jacob made a “here you go” face.

“At last you’re sharing my fun. Next time we should go to Brussels. There’s a statue of a monk in front of a freaking cathedral, and the dude’s name is D.J., literally.”

Evie laughed even harder.

“How do you know?”

“I’ve got informants. Oh and they’ve got French fries everywhere, you’d like it.”

“I’d rather skip that.”

“So who was the one that finished all the Eisbein in her plate today?” Jacob tilted his head, looking at her sideways, making an ironic sound.

“I don’t know whom you saw but that’s not me.”

“Good idea. How about we pretend to be strangers and start a romance in this exotic land right away?”

Evie rolled her eyes and smiled, then suddenly felt someone tapping on her shoulder from behind. She turned around and saw a group of Australian girls she had spoken to at the counter when ordering the drinks. They were more or less of the same age as the twins, with a lovely curious and excited air that those who traveled to Europe for the first time would usually have. They hadn’t met Jacob yet, and said hi to each other.

“My name’s Victoria,” a blond girl smiled to Jacob, “and you’re?”

“Jacob, my boyfriend. It’s the first time we travel together.” Evie replied before Jacob could even react. He choked on the cigarette he was taking a drag on, coughing hard for quite a while. Evie elbowed him in the ribs discreetly.

“Oh that’s cute!”

Evie smiled again.

They talked about the clubs, the food and some places to go to and things to do in Berlin for a while, until they both finished theit cigarettes, said goodbye to the girls and went back into the building.

“That was really a good one.” Jacob squinted at her in the elevator. Evie leaned her head against his shoulder, laughing like a little girl.

“You think they can tell?”

“Not by the color of eyes.”

“Nor the shape of nose.”

“Maybe by something of those lovely lips?” Jacob pressed a finger on her lips and leaned in for a kiss, and she pushed him against the wall, nipping and sucking his lower lip in a messy and seductive way. The elevator’s door opened, and Jacob tapped on her shoulder.

“Save the best for last.”

They went back again to the wild partying crowd lost in the roaring music.

 

6

Opening his eye, Jacob felt as if his head was about to explode. Without checking his phone, he could tell by the sunlight leaking through the closed curtains that it was already afternoon. He peeped out of the window and saw the lingering snow in the courtyard of early April, where there laid quietly two gray rabbits with red eyes.

Amused, he wanted to tell Evie to look at them too, before realizing that she was still asleep. Waking up after a whole night’s revelry was always the worst part. They had been drinking cocktails bars after bars before taking even more shots in that famous night club in the downtown, where a guy with dark hair in the dance floor kept attracting his attention. He followed him quietly into the bathroom, waited a few minutes outside the stall and kicked hard on the door, producing a loud thudding noise.

“Give me whatever the hell you’re taking or I’ll shout.”

The guy emerged from behind the door with a panicked face, dragging him in and shutting the door behind them. “Shut up!”

Jacob dipped his pinky finger tip into the powder and tasted it before starting grinning. His toilet stall companion smiled too, as if it wasn’t him who had been robbed by a total stranger. Jacob was still frowning at the bitterness on his tongue when he felt a hungry bite on his lips; he didn’t resist for a few seconds, but then shoved the guy away, whose back hit the wall with a thump.

“Sorry got to go, someone’s waiting.”

“Too busy for one night, aren’t you?” The sarcasm was crystal clear. Not that he cared.

That’s when Evie finally came to his mind, but it wasn’t that he’d care that she knew. Strange, she didn’t scold him either.

But to be fair, she’d been quite unusual in this trip, almost giggling at everything he said. Introducing him as her boyfriend to people they had just known, or biting his lips like that back in the elevator to the dance floor. He was as much curious as excited. It was already five or six o’clock in the morning when they finally left the club and headed back to the hotel, dizzy and wobbly, the dawn cracking open on the far east horizon. Unexpectedly, Evie wrapped her arms around his neck, her kisses fierce and hot on his lips, then let go of him in the same abrupt way, running forward happily and freely in the cold empty street.

“You’ve got too much energy today, don’t you think? Looks like I’m not the only one on drugs.” Finally lying on the bed, Jacob panted.

“The best is yet to come.” Evie lying on her stomach beside him, tone playful.

“Can I go back on what I said and go to sleep?” He wasn’t sure whether he was joking or simply teasing.

“I didn’t say I’d need your tongue, which can indeed get some rest.” She somehow managed to pull his belt open with a single hand. Where did she learn it by the way?

Jacob even didn’t remember how he fell asleep. He turned his head around and saw the sleeping face of Evie. It was a double room with two separated beds, simply because they had to provide their last name and birth date for check-in and she hated attracting unwanted attention. Upon their arrival, Evie pushed the two beds together, kicked out of her shoes, climbed onto the beds and started to jump up and down.

“What are you doing?” Jacob smiled. That definitely wasn’t the Evie he was used to.

“Waiting for you to come up too.”

Evie wasn’t the most attractive type of girl by mainstream standards, not that he gave a damn about it. Her sexual appeal to Jacob consisted mainly of the intensity of her desires and the contrast to her stern and prim appearance. Of course, her body was beautiful too. Sometimes when pressing kisses down her stomach, he could feel her strong muscles underneath a thin layer of fat. Evie was rather ticklish and Jacob took advantage of it a lot when they were children. Actually, he still did it now. Every time his kisses drew near her thighs, she’d roll up her legs and try to push him away, giggling.

She’s cute when she’s asleep, he thought. They often slept together when they were children. After puberty began, as long as they were not fighting, he liked even more when he woke up together with her, like those grown-ups in a romantic movie. Waking up with someone was a subtle experience. It meant trust, a faith that the most vulnerable and true part of oneself could be understood and accepted. Not everyone could make him want to wake up together with him or her.

For him, Evie was like the other half of his body and soul, though apparently they were a striking contrast. When he was anxious or fretful, she would take over and handle the situation efficiently with a cooler mind. When they were younger, Evie seemed to enjoy lecturing him for it, but now, except for some occasional anger outbursts, she was more interested in finding the solution than in challenging his methods. Powerful, strong and affectionate, she was his mother, sister and lover. Most importantly, she wasn’t just someone else.

Jacob couldn’t resist the urge to lift a strand of her hair near her ear and press a gentle kiss onto her cheek. She was beautiful with her hair loose, but he rarely saw her like that. Once he asked her why and she only said that it was more convenient to have her hair braided.

Evie finally cracked her eyes open.

“Good afternoon, mademoiselle.”

“Good afternoon, mon chevalier.”

The smile on Evie’s face made him smile too. Jacob had forgotten almost all the French he’d learned after middle school, while Evie was always doing better. Of course, he had his strong suits too.

“Should I consider myself lucky that you’re are still in once piece?”

“Don’t underestimate me.” Jacob touched gently her nose with his fingertip.

“My head’s hurting like hell.” She buried her head in his elbow.

“Check it out,” he groped in his bag beside the bed on the floor, then threw her a small packet. She glanced at it and smiled, giving him an amused look.

“I told you not to underestimate me.” Jacob’s tone was tinged with pride. He’d never let go any chance to prove himself to his sister since he was a kid. Evie pressed a kiss on his forehead, took an anti-hangover pill and swallowed it down with a glass of water on the nightstand.

“You need it?”

Jacob hummed and was about to retrieve the packet from her hands when she suddenly drew her hand back with a mischievous smile.

“Come and get it if you can.”

Jacob didn’t reply, but instead gave her a wet and deep kiss. Evie closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and responded him in the same way, before Jacob took the packet back swiftly from her hand.

“Aha!”

“That’s not fair.” Evie protested, grunting.

“Life has never been fair.”

Evie didn’t even bother to reply. She climbed over on him and leaned down to kiss him. Jacob pushed her away chuckling.

“Let me take the pill first.”

He propped himself up, swallowed the pill down with some water and kissed her in the process. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her kisses hungry and pressing on his lips. She was only wearing a thin blouse without anything underneath, and he could feel the warmth of her body and his hard member between her thighs.

“Ok, before we proceed, take a look at the courtyard. Something you might like.” He took a deep breath.

“Oh shut up.”

She pushed him back to the bed, sealing his mouth with another kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

7

The doorbell rang. Evie put down the knife, wiped her hands quickly on the apron and went hastily to open the door. Jacob stood outside of the door, looking searchingly into the apartment over her shoulder.

“I had the feeling on my way that I’d run into someone at your place.”

“You got it right, I left a body under the bed that I forgot to return to the lab.”

They both smiled and gave each other a long and solid hug. Jacob kissed her cheeks and came inside. His was wearing a black leather jacket, hair messy, motorcycle helmet still hanging on his arm. Evie closed the door behind him and returned to the kitchen, keeping on cutting the garlics. The narrow countertop was colored by the warm orange light of the ventilator.

“How’s the trip back?” Evie asked, without slowing down her movement. Jacob was in Holland for work for almost one month and had barely a chance to protest. He finally came back yesterday, which was a Friday, but Evie had to be on her night shift and couldn’t go to the airport to pick him up, so they had planned to have dinner together at Evie’s place on Saturday.

Jacob shrugged his shoulders and took a bottle of red wine out of his bag.

“Delayed for an hour, otherwise everything ok. I’m starving.”

“Had fun in Amsterdam?”

“Too exhausted to get out of bed every morning.”

“You’re such a disappointment.”

Jacob hummed at her giggle, picked up a coffee bag on the desk randomly and frowned at the image of the smiling man in suit on it.

“Faker than my ex’s orgasms.”

“Mine are faked too.” Evie didn’t even look at him. She stirred the blue cheese sauce in the pot with a spatula and tasted it.

“Oh you think I don’t know?”

“You? Come on.”

Jacob raised the bag as if he was going to hit her head with it. Evie warded his arm off, giggling, and pressed a kiss onto his lips.

“You could use more salt.” Jacob licked his lips.

Evie gazed at him, the look in her eyes intense and complex.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Me too.”

Jacob gave her a long and sweet kiss. She held his shoulders and kissed gently his cheeks again. They fell silent for a moment.

“Henry just left this afternoon.” Evie turned around and put the garlics into the pan, then took out several herb jars from the cupboard. Jacob leaned against the countertop with his arms crossed in front of the chest.

“Good to know.” The twins didn’t avoid talking about each other’s other partners. Jacob even quite liked Henry. Coming from one cultural background and living in another one, Henry seemed more mature and emotionally stable than most of his peers. Sometimes Jacob would go to his place to play video games with him, taking advantage of his gorgeous equipment, as well as of his benevolent nature. Jacob used to joke that there was a kind of “silent companionship” between the two of them, and seemed satisfied to see Evie blush when she heard it.

“He asked if I want to be his girlfriend before he left.”

Jacob raised an eyebrow. “I thought you’ve made it clear from the beginning.”

“Maybe he thinks I’d change my mind after more than a year.”

“Did you?”

Evie didn’t reply, turning the potatoes in the pan to the other side.

“I think I can give it a try.”

“Good luck with that.”

Evie turned around, her look reminding him of the times when she knew something stupid he’d done when they were teenagers. “Shit,” Jacob said to himself.

“Don’t you think I have the right to make my own choices?”

“I’m not denying that.”

“Are you afraid?”

Evie put down the spatula and looked him into the eyes.

This is indeed her, Jacob thought. She had a lovely candor and honesty, even faced with the most controversial subjects. Such as their relationship. In comparison, he was the more evasive one in this relationship, even though the first impression they gave might suggest the contrary. According to Evie, his coping mechanism was purely to avoid the matter, lacking of both the attitude and the method to deal with the elephant in the room. He didn’t know whether he disagreed with her or not.

“Yes.” Jacob finally said. At their age, he already knew her and himself well enough to be able to confess it.

Evie cast him a glance, as if chuckling, but he knew that she was a bit tensed as well.

“Ok, now I’m not going to act like one of the rich and dashing boyfriends of the protagonist in a teenager novel who has to deal with her emotional crisis.” She said, “But you have to know, Jacob, that there’s no one in this entire world that could love you as much as I do.”

“Cheesy.”

“Predictable as usual.”

Evie smiled and turned around, took the caramelized opinion and fried potatoes out of the pan and poured some oil into it again to fry the steaks. Jacob walked behind her and hugged her slowly from behind.

“So?”

“So what?”

She must be doing this on purpose. Indeed, she started chuckling again.

“It’s not the first time we keep a secret.”

“Oh-” Jacob acted as if he had just remembered. “I’d already forgotten that if you didn’t say.”

Evie giggled and hit gently his chest. Jacob caught her hands, leaned forward and kissed her deeply. She gazed at him when they broke the kiss, her look resolute and melancholy. They hugged each other again and didn’t speak for a while.

Jacob knew that she’d always had strong opinions, but she was also a deeply moral person. It wasn’t that she punished herself with their relationship, but she knew the difference between the private life and the social one. Now, with a third party involved, everything could change.

“You’re just thinking about it or are you going to pick the wedding ring together this weekend?” He asked intentionally. Evie understood what he meant, giving him a pensive look.

“I’m not thinking about it properly right now.” She finally said.

“This barely qualifies as a reply.”

“I didn’t give him a reply today either.” Evie put the fried steaks on two plates with the onions and potatoes, poured some blue cheese sauce on each one and headed towards the table with the plates. Jacob followed her and sat down beside the table. When she was about to return to the kitchen for the glasses and the wine, he seized her hands.

“Don’t think about anything.” He raised his head and gazed at her, as if supplicating. Evie didn’t reply. She took his face with her hands, looking deeply into his eyes. She looked somehow tired, Jacob thought, then realized that maybe he was just being selfish. She seemed to have understood his thinking, pressing a kiss on his lips.

“Stay here tonight.” She said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I sort of have left the dilemma to the reader _(:з」∠)_
> 
> By the way for you guys who want to read some sequel you can search my Tumblr http://lapinchatain.tumblr.com/ by keyword "Anonymous" and there are four chapters


End file.
